Crime may not pay, but it sure can be funny
All reports are taken from the Fredericton Police web site.
All parties are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law :-)
The snarky comments in blue are mine.
This page used to be called "Funny Crime", but since most of the entries weren't the HAHA type of funny I decided to change the name. I don't want to mislead people.
At 2215 hrs on May 5th, the victim answered the door bell to find a paper bag burning on the front step. The burnt bag had feces inside.
At 2038 hrs on June 26th, patrons at Dooleys witnessed a male fall through the ceiling. It appears that the culprit was attempting to hide in the ceiling while the bar closed. Entry was gained by the bathroom. Description: 5'10"-6'1", 180 lbs, dark short lightly curled hair.
Every morning complainants have to clean human feces out of the playground at the back of the building. Extra checks at the playground at night.
Overnight on July 4th-5th, culprit(s) filled the victims mailbox with sliced pickles.
[Definitely the strangest crime I've ever seen]
On July 22nd at 1630 hrs, a black male entered Fairview Plymouth and took a 1997 Saturn for a test drive, but the vehicle was never returned. On July 23rd at 1100 hrs, the same male arrived at Sunset Motors and asked to test drive a 1999 Subra Impriza. The vehicle left behind was the Saturn from Fairview. Missing vehicle is a 1999 black Subra, NBL BZF-545. Added to CPIC.
Overnight on July 31st to August 1st, culprit(s) removed a letter "O" from the Royal Rd School Sign.
In the early morning hours of August 30th a brown chipmunk lawn ornament and a 2 ft. high Colorado blue spruce tree were stolen. The spruce had been dug up. Loss $260.
[Theft of trees isn't all that new in New Brunswick, but it's usually limited to woodlots]
At 0130 hrs on Oct. 4th the victim was walking on a path near the UNB soccer field when he saw a male standing in grass with his pants down to his ankles. The male was masturbating. The victim had a conversation with the suspect with the victim ending up kicking the suspect in the testicles. Desc: white male, 19-23 years, 5'9", 160 lbs, clean shaven, dark hat, dark jacket, light pants.
[All-male sex parties in the woods. Fun]
At 1130 hrs on October 29th, complainant was walking in the area of the Corbett Brook Marsh near the Hugh John Flemming Complex when she observed a male in the ditch. The male said, "Your hair Nice", "You look really nice today". Description: male, white, 25-35 yrs old, medium build, 190 lbs, 5'9", clean shaven, dark hair, green army type jacket.
[A ditch is a really great place to meet women]
On November 29th, complainent noted a prowler behind her house. This has happened for the last couple of nights. It seems to be while she is undressing. Extra checks requested
On January 20th at 0217 hrs, officers responded to an alarm at Winners Lounge. Nothing was found out of the ordinary and no one was contacted. At 0830 hrs on January 20th, a safe was found at the the future site of the Sobeys Store. Documents inside indicated it came from Winners. It was discovered that Winners had been entered by the lounge storage area.
[Not the best police work here]
At 0825 hours on March 4th, an employee of the CIBC bank was checking the night deposits and found a 5 single fish hooks, 1 treble hook and a small amount of fishing line. It appears someone was trying to fish money out of the deposit box.
A blue 1992 Nissan NBL NAL-946 is missing from Dead End Auto Parts. Last seen July 1st, 2002. The owner has approximately 100 vehicles in the yard of his business. What brought the theft to light was him receiving 3 parking tickets for the vehicle in the last month.
An old couch in front of Maliseet Dr. was set on fire. It appeared to be garbage.
[If it wasn't garbage then, it certainly is now]
Between November 5th, 2002 and May 8, 2003, a garage and mini barn were entered at above location and items were stolen. The stolen items are a skillsaw, a jigsaw, a electric drill, numerous wenches, a green electric chainsaw, a red lawn mower and a gas weed eater. Loss $475.00.
[wenches ? ? ? ?]
On May 3rd, the complainant returned home and found her roommate had moved out and her TV/VCR 14"combo, value $350.00 and a diplomat fridge, value $350.00 were missing from her unlocked bedroom. There did not appear to be forced entry as the door was locked and nothing appeared to be damaged.
On May 13th, the Sheriff discovered a bag of marijuana taped to the bottom of the toilet bowel cover.
[This wouldn't be funny if it was in a different building]
At 2130 hours on June 20th, a person walking on the walking trail was hit in the left shoulder by a blow dart. The victim heard a noise in the woods.
Overnight on August 13th to 14th, culprit(s) placed tape over several coin slots on several parking meters in the downtown area.
On August 15th at 2352 hours, two females left McInnis Landing and were approached by a male who asked if they would mind if he walked with them while he masturbated. The male had his penis exposed.
[That's the most polite flasher I've ever heard of]
In the early morning hours on September 10th, an unlocked storage shed was entered by cutting the lock. A small amount of tools were stolen.
A cardboard cutout of Don Cherry was stolen from Needs Convenience. The cutout was a promotion for Cola products. Loss $150.00.
Between 1400 hours on March 6th and 1342 hours on March 7th, an apartment was entered by forcing the door. Stolen was an RCA TV/VCR, a Magnasonic VCR, 15 CD's, a Westinghouse mixer, hair shampoo and gel. Loss $760.00. Damage $200.00.
On January 4th between 0700 hours to 1400 hours, unknown person(s) stole the license plates off of a vehicle parked at the above location. NBL BMW-911.
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