Star Trek Story

									Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

Picard:
     Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
     weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
     command pathways?

Geordi:
     Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
     archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

     Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled]
     What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain]
     Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
     Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root
     command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
     unstoppable rate.

Picard:
     But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
     processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data:
     Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version
     of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases
     exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
     quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
     taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
     functions.

Picard:
     Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric
     shape idea.

     . . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data:
     Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's
     command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
     resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the
     expected upgrade.

Geordi:
     Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
     capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate
     for their increase.

Picard:
     Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something
     we have missed.

Data:
     Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade.
     Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
     sending in their registration cards.

Riker:
     Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
     escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited]
     Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard:
     Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays]
     Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named
     Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard:
     Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their
     functionality.

     . . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker:
     Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi:
     As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
     increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
     increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon
     to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft
     Fun-Pack.

Picard:
     How much time will that buy us?

Data:
     Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span
     of 6 more hours.

Geordi:
     Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard:
     Identify.

Data:
     It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers]
     This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have
     positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector.
     Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds
     to comply.

Data:
     The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
     thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard:
     Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker:
     My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
     Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the
     tortures of deep space?!

Data:
     I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I
     believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
     twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing
     Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]
     Lawyers!!

Geordi:
     It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the
     sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data:
     True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker:
     They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
     of papers.

Data:
     I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often
     proves fatal.

Riker:
     They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard:
     Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg
     doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!