List of New Viruses

                        The Big List of Computer
                                Viruses:

          ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:   Takes a couple of bytes out of
your Apple.

          AIRLINE VIRUS:        You're in Dallas, but you data is
in Singapore.

          ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:  Terminates and stays
resident.  It'll be back.

          AT&T VIRUS:   Every three minutes it tells you what
great service you are getting.

          BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk
then re- attaches it.  (But that part will never work again.) 

          CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:   Your PC makes frequent mistakes
and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. 

          CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:      Makes your 486/50 machine
perform like a 286/AT.

          CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:  The computer locks up, screen
splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming
the other side for the problem.

          CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:       Runs every program on the
hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to
accomplish anything.

          DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:     Prevents your system from
spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. 

          DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2:  Their is sumthing rong wit your
komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

          ELVIS VIRUS:  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy,
then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and
service stations across rural America.

          FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:     Divides your hard disk
into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important   part
of your computer.

          FREUDIAN VIRUS:       Your computer becomes obsessed
with marrying its own motherboard.

          GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will
lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time.  (plus or
minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

          GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:    It starts by boldly stating,
"Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen.  It proceeds to
fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files,
then blames it on the Congressional virus.

          GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:   Nothing works, but all
your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

          HEALTH CARE VIRUS:    Tests your system for a day,
finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

          IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:  Sings you a song (slightly off
key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account
and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.

          JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:    Your programs can never be found
again.

          KEVORKIAN VIRUS:      Helps you computer shut down as
an act of mercy.

          LAPD VIRUS:   It claims it feels threatened by the
other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". 

          MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:    It would be a great virus, but it
refuses to run.

          MCI VIRUS:    Every three minutes it reminds you that
you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

          NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:        Probably harmless, but it
makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. 

          NIKE VIRUS:    Just does it.

          OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:    Causes your printer to become a
paper shredder.

          OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:  Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB. 

          ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS:   Claims that if you don't send it
a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. 


          PAUL REVERE VIRUS:    This revolutionary virus does not
horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack   ---
once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

          PBS VIRUS:    Your programs stop every few minutes to
ask for money.

          POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:    Never calls itself a
"virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism".

          RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:  Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it
requires you to first see a counsellor about possible
alternatives.

          ROSS PEROT VIRUS:     Activates every component in your
system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

          SEARS VIRUS:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

          STAR TREK VIRUS:      Invades your system in places
where no virus has gone before.

          TED TURNER VIRUS:     Colourizes you monochrome
monitor. 

          TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:   Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever
you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, or Fail" message. 

          TEXAS VIRUS:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any
other file.