Actual news headlines

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
 
     * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
     * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
     * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
     * House passes gas tax onto senate
     * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
     * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
     * William Kelly was fed secretary
     * Milk drinkers are turning to powder
     * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
     * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
     * Farmer Bill dies in house
     * Iraqi head seeks arms
 

     Some become unintentionally suggestive:
 
     * Queen Mary having bottom scraped
     * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
     * Prostitutes appeal to Pope
     * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
     * NJ judge to rule on nude beach
     * Child's stool great for use in garden
     * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
     * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
     * Organ festival ends in smashing climax
 

     Grammar often botches other headlines:
 
     * Eye drops off shelf
     * Squad helps dog bite victim
     * Dealers will hear car talk at noon
     * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
     * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
     * Miners refuse to work after death
     * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
     * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
 

     Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from
     the one intended:
 
     * Never withhold herpes from loved one
     * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
     * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
     * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

     Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

     * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
     * War dims hope for peace
     * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
     * Cold wave linked to temperatures
     * Child's death ruins couple's holiday
     * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
     * Man is fatally slain
     * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
     * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation