Jack Handy wanna-be's (fwd)

From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate   
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

If all the people in the world would hold hands, no one could   
hold a gun....except the people on the ends.

My young son asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we   
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess   
I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and   
burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would   
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December   
26, just for the long weekends.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set   
aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a   
couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone   
needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who
think it odd that I drive without pants.

Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then,   
imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more 
than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of   
Halloween.

Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who   
had no feet. So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really   
needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he   
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which   
is why don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to   
wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as   
some people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he   
sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I   
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer   
literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything 
you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found   
my dog.  Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already 
gave away all of his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense 
of humor.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be   
until the looting started.