Darksuckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However,
more recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't emit
light, they suck dark.  Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers.   The dark
sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take,
for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is less dark
right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark sucker, the
greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking lot have much
greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of
dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full
dark sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white
wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all of the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.  There
are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all of the
dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark
storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the
portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem as the dark must travel into a solid wick
instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of heat.  Thus, it
can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is also heavier
than light.  If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will see a lot
of light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker
and darker. When you reach the depth of approximately 50 feet, you are in
total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the
lake, and the lighter light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage.  We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines.  This generates electricity and helps push dark to the ocean, where
it can be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to
get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this
problem and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe traveling in the
same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to
stop the flow of dark.  When they traveled against the flow of dark, they
paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to stand
in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open
the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet; but since
the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier.  So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that
it is, indeed, a dark sucker.