25 Different Ways to Get Your Roommate to Bug Off

     25 Different Ways to Get Your Roommate to Bug Off

 #1  Get him laid.  That's what he really needs.  He will stop 
     paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.

 #2  Use the direct approach.  When he comes in, say, "I'm 
     doing homework now.  Can I talk to you later?."  If that's too 
     polite, say "Go away now.  I'm doing homework."

 #3  Use the "bad cat" approach.  Purchase a high-powered 
     squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say "I'm doing 
     my  homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet."  Then, 
     blast away. He's been warned. I've discovered that this is an 
     excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at 
     him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for 
     attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped
permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.
 
 #4  Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, 
     the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow.  Turn it on and 
     play it really loud when you don't want to be interrupted.
 
 #5  Set a small bear trap near the door.  Cover it with a towel.

 #6  Bring over your girlfriend.  Do what comes naturally, but 
     make it  loud.  Record this.  Play that on your monster stereo.

 #7  Whenever he comes in, give him a strange look, then climb 
     out the window. Come back around to the front door and 
     re-enter your room. Repeat as necessary. If he asks any questions, 
     just say, "It's too cold in here!"

 #8  Masturbate.

 #9  If he's a Democrat, put up big pictures of Ronald Reagan.  
     If he's Republican, use Michael Dukakis. Intersperse either with 
     posters of Margaret Thatcher.

 #10 Smoke.

 #11 Buy a book on Black Magic.  Put a hex on him if he gets 
     too close.

 #12 Get a guard dog.  Rottweilers and Doberman Pincers are 
     good.

 #13 Buy two monster stereos.  Play different music (see #4) 
     from each--at the same time. 

 #14 Give him a haircut.

 #15 Start asking him to help you with the homework.

 #16 Ask him for the password.  If he doesn't know it, don't 
     let him in.
 
 #17 Get a doorknob with a lock on it.  Put it on your door to 
     lock him out, or his door to lock him in.

 #18 Lie in the middle of the floor and play dead.

 #19 Get a pet rattlesnake.  Let it loose once in awhile.

 #20 Start a used chewing gum collection.  Show him your 
     favorite exhibits whenever he come in.

 #21 Ignore him completely.  Pretend you can't see or hear him 
     at all.

 #22 Challenge him to see if he can hold his breath for two 
     minutes. Use the squirt gun if he fails.

 #23 Give him a "whirly."

 #24 Refer to him as "Marsha."  If he asks why, refuse to 
     explain.

 And, since this IS alt.flame.roommate....

 #25 Kill him.  Cyanide works well.