Drinking Guidelines

Here's a good one:

Drinkers' Problem Solving Guide

          Symptom            Probable Cause             Solution

  Drinking fails to give   Mouth not open or   Take a six-pack and
  satisfaction and         glass being         practice in front of
  taste, shirt front wet   applied to wrong    mirror until drinking
                           part of face        technique is perfect

  Drinking fails to give
  satisfaction and                             Find someone who'll buy
  taste, beer unusually    Glass empty         you another beer
  pale

                           Glass being held
  Feet cold and wet        at incorrect        Hold glass such that open
                           angle               end points toward ceiling

                                               Move to nearest dog. After
                                               a few minutes, complain
  Feet warm and wet        Loss of self        loudly about its lack of
                           control
                                               training; demand beer in
                                               compensation

                           You are looking
  Bar hazy and out of      through the         Find someone who'll buy
  focus                    bottom of your      you another beer
                           empty glass

                           Unusually high
  Bar swaying              air turbulance,     Insert broom handle down
                           perhaps due to      back of shirt
                           darts match

                                               Find out if you are being
  Bar moving               You are being       taken to another bar. If
                           carried out         not, complain loudly
                                               thatyou are being hijacked

  You notice that the                          If no one is standing on
  wall opposite you is                         your drinking arm and your
  covered with ceiling     You have fallen     beer is full, stay put.
  tiles and has a          over backwards      Otherwise, have someone
  flourescent strip                            help you up and lash
  across it                                    yourself to the bar

  Everything has become
  dim. Your nose & lips    You have fallen     Same as for falling over
  are bleeding             over forwards       backwards

  You wake to find your
  bed hard, cold, and      You have spent      Check to see if it is
  wet. You can't seem to   the night in the    opening time. If it isn't,
  find your bedroom        gutter              treat yourself to a lie
  walls or ceiling                             in.

  Everything has gone      The bar is
  dark and quiet           closing             PANIC!!!!