Canonical List of OS humor
*****Canonical List Of Operating System Humor****
This is the Canonical List Of Operating System Humor. It has been
compiled with the assistance of a lot of people but a special thanks goes to
Prof P. Piacenza (chpp@unitrix.utr.ac.za) who contributed a great deal of jokes
etc to this list.
Any submissions should be sent to :-
N.THOMSON@ZIPPY.DCT.AC.UK
where they will be added to the list and the submitter will get a personal copy
of the list. Any requests for copies of this list sent to the above addresse
will be chearfully ignored. If you are reading this then you have a copy in
front of you. If your joke is more suited to any of the other lists then it
will be placed there.
This file can be FTPed from FTP.CCO.CALTECH.EDU in the directory
/PUB/HUMOR/CANONICAL.LIST - login as anonymous and enter E-Mail address as
password.
The latest version of this file can also be found at:-
HTTP://www.tay.ac.uk/~mcscs2npt/lair/humor/humor.html (browsable)
and HTTP://www.misty.com/laughweb
Ok enough of the boring stuff - enjoy.............
CONTENTS
++++++++
1) Programmers Quick Guide To Operating Systems
2) Operating Systems For Your Brain
3) Fun Unix Commands
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO OPERATING SYSTEMS
=================================================
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. The same
applies to Operating Systems .......
This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers
who find themselves in such a dilemma.
================================================================================
The Task:
GO TO THE STORE
=================
MS-DOS (<=5.0): You get in the car and try to remember where you
put your keys.
MS Dos 6.0: You go to get in your car to GOTO THE STORE but the car has
been run over by a steam roller.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says
"go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail
the letter to your dashboard.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store,
and the car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban,
who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you
to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a
marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up,
killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to
the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While
walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids
on mopeds.
AS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you
to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons.
================================================================================
The operating system for your Brain. Which One???
Windows for brains:
-------------------
You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.
DOS for brains:
---------------
You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.
Unix for brains:
----------------
Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your
brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people
who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also
never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.
CP/M for brains:
----------------
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.
MVS/CICS for brains:
--------------------
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about
many things at the one time but never now what other parts of
your brain are thinking unles you have set up SNA connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
OS/2 for brains:
----------------
You can think about lots of things at once but need the
equivalent of eigteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.
Mac for brains:
---------------
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good,
feels good but is expensive.
Pick for brains:
----------------
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.
Linux for Brains:
-----------------
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs,
ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.
$ ar x Santa.Claus
ar: Santa.Claus does not exist
i$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
i$ cat "food in tin cans"
cat: cannot open food in tin cans
$ lost
lost: not found
$ make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
$ make war
Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
$ rm Tooth.Fairy
rm: Tooth.Fairy nonexistent
% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
i% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
"I teach Eunuchs - I mean Unix."
% got a light?
No match.
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% XHow did the sex changeX operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% XWhat is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
================================================================================
Unix Jokes and Trivia
In order to banish the Unix Blues here is a selection of relevant
jokes and other less well defined items.
The Unix Hierarchy (The Eight Stages of Unix Knowledge)
Name Description and features
beginner - insecure with the concept of a terminal
- has yet to learn the basics of vi
- has not figured out how to get a directory
- still has trouble with typing
after each line of input
novice - knows tha "ls" will produce a directory
- uses the editor, but calls it "vye"
- has heard of "C" but never used it
- has had his first bad experience with rm
- is wondering how to read his mail
- is wondering why the person next to him
seems to like Unix so very much.
user - uses vi and nroff, but inexpertly
- has heard of regular-expr.s but never seen one.
- has figured out that "-" precedes options
- has attempted to write a C program and has
decided to stick with pascal
- is wondering how to move a directory
- thinks that dbx is a brand of stereo component
- knows how to read his mail and is wondering
how to read the news
knowlegable - uses nroff with no trouble, and is beginning
user to learn tbl and eqn
- uses grep to search for fixed strings
- has figured out that mv(1) will move directories
- has learned that "help" doesn't help
- somebody has shown him how to write C programs
- once used sed to do some text substitution
- has seen dbx used but does not use it himself
- thinks that make is a only for wimps
expert - uses sed when necessary
- uses macro"s in vi, uses ex when neccesary
- posts news at every possible opportunity
- write csh scripts occasionally
- write C programs using vi and compiles with cc
- has figured out what "&&" and "||" are for
- thinks that human history started with "!h"
hacker - uses sed and awk with comfort
- uses undocumented features of vi
- write C code with "cat >" and compiles with "!cc"
- uses adb because he doesn't trust source debuggers
- can answer questions about the user environment
- writes his own nroff macros to supplement std.
ones
- write scripts for Bourne shell (/bin/sh)
- knows how to install bug fixes
guru - uses m4 and lex with comfort
- writes assembly code with "cat >"
- uses adb on the kernel while system is loaded
- customizes utilities by patching the source
- reads device driver source with his breakfast
- can answer any unix question after a little
thought
- uses make for anything that requires two or more
distinct commands to achieve
- has learned how to breach security but no longer
needs to try
wizard - writes device drivers with "cat >"
- fixes bugs by patching the binaries
- can answer any question before you ask
- writes his own troff macro packages
- is on first-name basis with Dennis, Bill, and Ken
A Unix saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming Unix a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
E Pluribus Unix
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday,
April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14
feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.
Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot,
smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc
(unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but
not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a
complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix.
Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson,
"Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by
Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan
Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus
of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them.
-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June "84
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking Unix system guru to
Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, Unix/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
Making files is easy under the Unix operating system. Therefore,
users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file
space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all Unix
systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their
files. -- System V.2 administrator's guide
Megabyte: (n.) more than you can comprehend and less than you'll
need. See: Unix.
One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for Unix?
Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years
ago. Today, much of Unix being done is done on our machines. Ten
percent of our VAXs are going for Unix use. Unix is a simple
language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great
for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because
of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good Unix
on VAX and good Unix on PDP-11s.
It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with Unix. They'll want a real system and
will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
With Unix, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there.
With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot
shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's
the difference -- the beauty of Unix is it's simple; and the beauty
of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
Our OS who art in CPU,
Unix be thy name.
Thy programs run,
thy syscalls done,
in kernel as it is in user!
Q: How many Unix gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they"re all virtual, anyway.
Remember, Unix on some machines is nUxi.
Remember, Unix spelled backwards is xinU.
Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
Helpless users with projects due
Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
Oh, yes! He"s gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
-- Curtis Jackson
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and
Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
which identifies errors in the original program.
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it,
poorly.
"Twas midnight, and the Unix hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrabe.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
Unix: (n., v.) a DOS which needs more memory than you have and run
more slowly than you can bear. To Unix: to grossly enlarge and slow
down out of all proportion, esp. by using C.
Unix soit qui mal y pense
Unix was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
-- (after) Andy Tannenbaum
Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
-- Rich Kulawiec
You mean I can put stuff past column 72? WOW! Unix is great!
Your mission (should you decide to accept it) is to make CMS look
like Unix.
================================================================================
Submiters note: The following was created by me while working my boring
lab monitor job in our CS dept. Any sarcasm directed
at Unix users or other OS users is directed at me also,
since I use just about every system there is. This article
is an attempt at humor (which is why it's here) and should
be regarded as such. Hothead flames may be forwarded to,
sent to, or shoved up /dev/null or your nearest handy
orifice :-) This article is Copyright (C) 1990 by me
and may not be reproduced for commercial purposes.
"UNIX -- Variations on a theme"
Unix is an operating system well known throughout the computer
industry. It takes a user three years to learn his way around
the system and another ten to learn a sizable portion of the
commands. No user has been known to understand the entire
operating system at once and this is generally thought to be
impossible.
No one who wasn't on drugs ever called Unix user-friendly. It
has been regarded as "a REAL operating system, unlike MS-DOS or
the Macintosh systems, which are for ANAL-RETENTIVE DWEEBS!" The
person(s) who regarded Unix this way wish to remain anonymous in
the event that "some JERK might lob me over the head with his PC,
which is about all it's good for!"
Users of Unix are staunch supporters of the system although on
average they understand less than half of it. Their strong support
for the system is thought to be based upon an underlying fear that
by the time they learn a new system they will be too old to have
their mid-life crisis.
Xenix, Minix, Xinu, and other variations upon the Unix theme, were
created by people who thought they knew a lot about Unix
but didn't know enough to get it right. Consequently they saw Unix
as "wrong" and set about making their own versions which were "right."
All of these new versions are still considered "wrong," however, as
new "right" versions appear almost daily.
Following is a list of some of the new versions -- or flavors, as
people who eat Unix for breakfast lunch and dinner and the not-so-oc-
casional midnight snack are fond of calling them -- of Unix.
Beatnix - This is an underground version of Unix. Users of this version
are known to wear dark sunglasses and goatees and work mostly at night.
Users "hang out" in dark rooms with real or simulated brick walls for
their sessions and use a command set little known to users of other
Unix versions. Beatnix users employ command aliasing to a high degree
so they can customize the command set and maintain individuality. Alias
files are modified daily to include updates in the "hip" command-set.
Beatnix has developed a unique user interface in which the user snaps
his fingers to execute a command. Beatnix users consider their version
of Unix to be "cool" and all other versions to be "square."
Beatrix - This is a child's version of Unix written by an AI system
modeling Beatrix Potter. On graphics-based systems it has a
graphic interface consisting of Prompt-er Rabbit jumping through
the System Garden of the nasty Farmer Superuser. The user searches
for Mischief applications or good Food Processes and executes them
until Farmer Superuser threatens to squash his cute little Process with
his Boot. The the user has to Find the correct Path to Home and
his parent process before he gets Logged Off. On non-graphics-based
systems the user is presented a story in which he decides the action.
Qinix - This version of Unix is for game-players. It is closely modeled
on the arcade game Qix. The user must cd around a particular area
of the filesystem before he can access it. He has to watch for
system processes and his process is killed if he runs into one. A
user is allowed three logins per day. A user is given filespace
according to the amount of the filesystem he has covered, but must start
over when he covers more than 75% of the system. He is awarded bonus
disk quotas, however.
Hendrix - This is a highly graphical system using psychedelic colors to
give the user VI-sions which are stored into a file. A user of this
system performs better under the influence of just about anything.
Typically users must be gifted with a great degree of string manipu-
lation ability.
Pick-up-stix - This version does not use a filesystem hierarchy. Instead
it dumps the filesystem in a heap. Two users take turns extracting files
from the heap, and the user who extracts the most files without disturbing
the heap structure gets to use the system.
Trix - This version has a much-improved user interface over Unix. Tradition-
alists call it "sugar-coated." The user may only work in one directory
per day and must process all files in the directory before he finishes his
session. Files come in four types -- or flavors -- and file integrity
lasts only a short time. The files become "soggy" or "mushy" after that.
A large directory will often turn the system "pink" during a long session.
Fish-stix - This version of Unix relies heavily on pre-processing and makes
great use of lemon-juice, although the reason for this is unknown.
================================================================================
Joke: In a recent issue of Infoworld, Mr. Cringely said that Windows NT
was going to be distributed using this method. "Within 60 days you will
receive a letter from Redmond containing a list of names and addresses,
along with instructions to write 10 lines of C code and send them to the
address at the top of the list. Add your name to the bottom and mail copies
to 84 of your friends. In a few weeks you will receive 12.5 million lines
of NT source code, ready for compiling and linking.
Sorry if it's been done already.
Duane
================================================================================
Subject: Top 100 things you don't want the sysadmin to say.
100. Uh-oh.....
99. Shit!!
98. What the hell!?
97. Go get your backup tape. (You _do_ have a backup tape?)
96. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
95. Wow!! Look at this.....
94. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
93. Terminated??!
92. What software license?
91. Well, it's doing _something_.....
90. Wow....that seemed _fast_.....
89. I got a better job at Lockheed...
88. Management says...
87. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
86. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
85. It didn't do that a minute ago...
84. Where's the GUI on this thing?
83. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
82. Where's the DIR command?
81. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
80. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
79. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
78. Do you smell something?
77. What's that grinding sound?
76. I have never seen it do *that* before...
75. I think it should not be doing that...
74. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
73. You might as well all go home early today ...
72. My leave starts tomorrow.
71. Ooops.
70. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
69. ``Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?''
68. Hmmm, curious...
67. Well, _my_ files were backed up.
66. What do you mean you needed that directory?
65. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
64. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
63. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your
work when it comes up tonight.
62. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your
job.
61. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to
you?
60. We're standardizing on AIX.
59. Wonder what *this* command does?
58. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
57. You did _what_ to the floppy???
56. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
55. NO! Not _that_ button!
54. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
53. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
52. NO! Not _that_ button!
51. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
50. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of Dos is this running?"
49. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
48. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
47. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
46. What's this switch for anyways...?
45. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
44. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
43. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
42. Was that YOUR directory?
41. System coming down in 0 min....
40. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
39. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems
with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
38. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
37. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
36. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in
a few hours. ( This is said on a monday afternoon.)
35. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip
with out triping the breaker.
34. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
33. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance
and I have it running now.
32. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
31. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner.
(Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline... )
30. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
29. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
28. I hate it when that happens.
27. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
26. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
25. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
24. You can do this patch with the system up...
23. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
22. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
21. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was
on THAT disk....
20. What do mean by "fired"?
19. hey, what does mkfs do?
18. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
17. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like _this_...
16. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
15. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
14. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
13. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
12. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
11. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
10. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
9. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
8. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
5. I don't care what he says, I'm _NOT_ having it on _my_ network
4. We don't support that. We _won't_ support that.
3. ...and after I patched the microcode...
2. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
1. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
0. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
-1. This won't affect what you're doing.
-2. `We are shutting xxx down from 8.30 to 10.30 on Thursday to install a
new tape drive.'
The machine was up at about 2pm sans-tape drive
-3. `I just have to install these three patches. It should not take more
than a few minutes.'
The machine was working again about 3 hours later...
-4. Umm, did anyone have anything important in /usr?
-5. We had to format some tracks, and we seem to have hit an inode track.
Half the files are still there though...
-6. Ooops, I should really have change directory before doing that
chmod -R bin.bin .
-7. I just made an extra 2 meg of space in /, I stripped /vmunix.
Oh, so that's why ps doesn't work.
-8. Ignore the errors. It complains too much.
-9. I got these instructions off the net. I'm going to follow
them exactly. Let's see if they work.
-10. Heard at my workplace when I found emacs wouldn't run :
"Oh I took that thing off, it was huge and nobody uses it. It's
a stupid editor anyway." --Spoken by an MS-DOS programmer
-11. I don't know if this is ethical, but...
Compiled by....
Kevin Rumbaugh 'The Marauder'
================================================================================
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC -
that is, the "Politically Correct."
Politically Correct UNIX
System VI Release notes
UTILITIES:
"man" pages are now called "person" pages.
Similarly, "hangman" is now the
"person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is
now merely "domestic_quadruped."
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the
male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a
"-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is
ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
the more neutral "gendre" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due
to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan
era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly
"LaTeX".
SHELL COMMANDS:
To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
renamed "euthanise."
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
"nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users
to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
TERMINOLOGY:
From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
"exploitive capitalist text".
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white
on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly
with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses
"regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive
video" can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decide how
(or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively
Challenged.
----
UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarity of
names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely
coincidental.
credits:
----
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 93 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ernest@pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar)
Keywords: funny, computers, original
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|