Deep Thoughts 03 of 04 by Jack Handy

Subject: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy 03 of 04 

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious
old stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone
about the treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."  He stared telling hes
story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This
story isn't too long."  But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."  But then the story was
over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
after all."  I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
movie on the plane.  It was a little long, though.
 
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the
eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something,
but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and
everyone would get a good laugh.
 
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark
and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.  Then they cut
the person open, and in him is a little baby shark.  And in the baby
shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small.  But
there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy
guy---something like that.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion
or  tiger or even the elephant.  The most dangerous animal is a shark
riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.


When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the
back and said, "Hey, good job."  

 Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it
clear  over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be
amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.  

 If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove
touch you lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.  

 It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something
as  simple as wild dogs.  

 Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.  First, he punched me,
then he punched me again.  

 I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large 
shrimp.  That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at
night, you could eat  him. How about it, science?  

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, 
at the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between,
plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing."
This is truth, to me.  

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear
that your partner has been turned into Dracula.  The next time he goes
out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and
blast off.  He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
but you just say, "Think again, bat man."  

 I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back 
with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls
over, is like the top thing you can do.  

 I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist,
but  he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that
makes you want to study the brain.  

 It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up 
about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You
can't throw chicken to the dolphins.  They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them.  Man, wise up.  

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious 
people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as
their mascot. 


 Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.  And then I
think,  "Aw, who cares?"  And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"


 I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top
of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of
cheese?  They probably break down into their various gases before they
even hit.  

 If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in you act,
I  don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown,
because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just
too much."  

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in
another fight, away from the first fight.  

 Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?  

 Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo,  flying  across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in  his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet.   And also, you're drunk. 

 If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a
certain  lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the
reader we are going

to have fun with this thing. 

 I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I
like  people to do what I say. 

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of
our  house.  And thought, I too am like that snail.  I build a
defensive wall  around myself, a "shell" if you will.  But my shell
isn't made out of a hard,  protective substance.  Mine is made out of
tinfoil and paper bags. 

 If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear,
don't stop  and start thinking of what other words have "under" in
them, because that's  probably the first sign of jungle madness. 

 Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to
throw  back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't
care who hears  me, because I am beautiful. 

 It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and
crossbones  on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside
and the kid could put  it on and really scare you. 

 If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think
you  could cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a
subject. 

 People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.  But
they  forget the negative side, which is the preening. 

 When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life,
I can't  think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that
granted me all those wishes. 

 If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play,
just  slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your
life. 

 If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot
of people  do.  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd
really be  surprised. 

 If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting. 

 Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded
seal,  trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S
GOING? 

 Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday

be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as
the  greatest works of genius ever created by Man. 

 If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go,
because,  man, they're gone. 

 I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are
looking for  a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They
never find him. And  you know why they never find him?  It doesn't
say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at
the very end, there's a page you can  lick and it tastes like
Kool-Aid. 

 Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality
if it bit her on the ass. 

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I
guess  that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there,
rocking back  and forth, wanting that money. 

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't
laugh  at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit
in one of those  plastic dry-cleaner bags? 

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 

 I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others.  I think he
put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my
home planet. 

  Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I
"swarm about"  to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. 

 If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how
the  gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive
you up a  wall. 

 One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the
equator  was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an
imaginary one.  I had to laugh.  Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't
know, and I thought that maybe  by laughing he would forget what he
asked me. 

 If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some
type of  parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy. 

 If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a
speech in  favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed
off the stage.  They're just not ready. 

 We like to praise birds for flying.  But how much of it is actually
flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous
flap? 

 Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about
individual  push buttons on each desk?  That way, when you want to ask
a question, you  just push the button and it lights up a corresponding
number on a tote board at the front of the class.  Then all the
professor has to do is check the  lighted number against a master
sheet of names and numbers to see who is  asking the question.