Deep Thoughts 04 of 04 by Jack Handy

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy 04 of 04 

 You know something that would really make me applaud?  A guy gets
stuck in  quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,
riding on water  skis.  How do they do that? 

 Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people
around  the world all want the same thing: a better house. 

 When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to
laugh.  Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought
of.  I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much.  Some friend
HE is. 

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a
lake.  That's called Houdini.  Love is liking someone a lot. 

 I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
It would  take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone
fire it.  And  you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me?
I just sort of slip  off to the side, and then suddenly run up and
kick the gun out of their  hands. 

 I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex. 

 If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is
when you  get your first anvil.  How innocent you are, little
blacksmith. 

 What am I afraid of?  I'll tell you: a feather.  That's right, a
feather.  How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say.  That's an
honest question,  and I'll try to give an honest answer.  First of
all, did I say it was a  poison feather? 

 I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're
in  midair, you still hit those brakes.  Hey, better try the emergency
brake. 

 I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I
think I

could cure it.  First, you sit the patient down and have a long,
personal  talk.  After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw
water in his face or something. 

 As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat  there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and  yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way. 

 How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?
It has  more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that
dangerous beak. 

 If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat)? 

 I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their
pets,  because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with
my name on  it. 

 I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll
tell you  why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard. 

 Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived
to tell  about it.  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep
driving. 

 It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings.
But what  they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap
snap, an angel gets  set on fire. 

 If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get
real mad  and yell, "A girl ?  You must have me mixed up with THAT
dork " and point to another father. 

 I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel
on the same day.  Then, that night, they burned the wheel. 

 The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole
universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and
roll around until he's completely draped in it.  Then he'll stand up
and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." 

 I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus
clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me.  I vowed,
then and there, that I would get revenge. 

 If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could
walk  around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me. 

 The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth.  Could nothing stop it?
Maybe Bob could.  He was suddenly on top of the meteor--through some
kind of space warp or something.  "Go, Bob, go " yelled one of the
generals. "Give me that"  said the big-guy general as he took the
microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he  said.  "You've got to steer that
meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?"  thought Bob.  Then he got an
idea.  Right next to him there was a steering  wheel sticking out of
the meteor. 

 If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would
be to  land on someone's lip.  Even if they smash you, ick , you're
all over their  lip. 

 I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."
It's  just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of
wood.  I  don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to
try something. 

 Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair,
the first  thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography
booth. 

 A quiz:  If I am my brother's brother, who am I?  (Answer: me.) 

 People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most
beautiful  things in the world.  What they don't understand is, I mean
a jellyfish with long, blond hair. 

 To us, it might look like just a rag.  But to the brave, embattled
men of the  fort, it was more than that.  It was a flag of surrender.
And after that, it  was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the
men would look nice for the surrender. 

 It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly.  But also, check
out his  Adam's apple. 

 I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in
it,  because do you hide from it or not? 

 There are many stages to a man's life.  In the first stage, he is
young and eager, like a beaver.  In the second stage, he wants to
build things, like  dams, and maybe chew down some trees.  In the
third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned."  I'm not sure what
the fourth stage is. 

 I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd  just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I
was thinking  about doing that anyway. 

 If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our
civilization and  they make fun of it, we should say we were just
kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a gag we hoped
they would like.  Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to
see our real civilization.  After that, we start  a crash program of
coming up with a new civilization.  Either that, or just  shoot down
the aliens as they're waving good-bye. 

 I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant.  And maybe there
would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we
would get  together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live
there.  But don't  ever call us "ants," because we hate that. 

 If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the
cob, I  don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.
But here's the  point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good,
isn't it. 

 If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big
rat  comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite
kill him,  just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you
taught him. 

 If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone
who sent  me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that
would be. 

 You know one thing that will make a woman mad?  Just run up and kick
her in the butt.  (P.S.  This also works with men.) 

 It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate
with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up
the telephone, and  dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him,
but it was just this squawking and cheeping.  "What?   What? " I would
yell back, but he never did speak English. 

 If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,
throw  one of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make
everyone think of  how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you
can throw a real  grenade. 

 I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.