Chinese Torture

THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURE TESTS

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage,
and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.  It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
area.  However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone
is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to
the ground.  The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or night's sleep since that time.  I would be most grateful if
I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You
cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhaused and starving, readily agrees.  "I promise I won't cause
you any trouble.  I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The Old Chinese man says, "OK but if I catch you then I'll give you the
three worst Chinese torture tests even known to man."

"Ok, Ok," the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how
beautiful the granddaughter was.  She looked like an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost for three weeks, it had been many, many months
without companionship.  And the woman had only seen the occassional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off
each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the woman's bedroom and they had quite a
time, but had to keep the noise down to a minimum.  The man crept back to
his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight bearing down on his
chest.  He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.  On
the rock was a sign saying, "First Chinese torture test: 100lb rock on
your chest."

"What a lame torture test!" the man soffed to himself as he got up and
walked over to the window.  He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. 
On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumped
out the window after the rock.  Outside the window was a third sign
saying, "Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."