politics humour************************************************************************************ Overheard in a restaurant -- one girl to another: "What I am looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and he was a candidate." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up & yelled at the other: "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back: "You leave my wife out of this." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A politician who had changed his views rather radically was congratualated by a colleague. "I'm glad you've seen the light," he said. "I didn't see the light," came the terse reply. "I felt the heat." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congressman John Allen once was pleading his case before some hostile voters, a heavy stone was thrown at him, which, as he happened to stoop at that instant, passed over his head. "You see," he said to friends who congratulated him on his narrow escape, "If I had been an upright politician, I would have been killed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ While campaigning in a rural section of the Midwest for a congressional seat, a politician ran into an unfriendly crowd at one stop, and halfway through his speech was suddenly pelted with tomatoes and over-ripe fruit. His presence of mind, however, did not fail him, and his next remark as he wiped the missles off his face and shirt front turned boos into cheers. "My critics," he said jauntily, "may not think I know much about farm problems -- but they'll have to admit I'm being a big help with the farm surplus!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Texan oilman offered to throw the biggest goldarned victory party for Thomas E. Dewey this country or any other country ever saw. "It'll be a two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-dollar complimentary banquet in honor of Dewey's election to the office of President of the United States," he said. "Fine,"said a friend. "But supposing he don't win the election." The Texan replied, "Then we'll have the complimentary banquet in honor of his defeat." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Governor Robert Bradford of Massachusetts set down these attributes for a successful politician : "To live long in politics, you must possess the hide of a rhinoceros, the memory of an elephant, the persistence of a beaver, the native friendliness of a mongrel pup. You need the heart of a lion and the stomach of an ostrich. And it helps to have the humor and ubiquity of the crow. But all of these combined are not enough, unless when it comes to matters of principle, you also have the stubborness of an army mule." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some quotable quotes (many of which are insults) from politicians: "an overripe banana, yellow outside, squishy in." REGINALD PAGET on Anthony Eden "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his friends for his life" JEREMY THORPE (b. 1929) on a savage Macmillan cabinet shuffle "He is forever poised between a cliche and an indiscretion." HAROLD MACMILLAN (B. 1894) "I welcome this opportunity of pricking the bloated bladder of lies with the poniard of truth." ANEURIN BEVAN (1897-1960) on Winston Churchill "Sir Stafford has a brilliant mind -- until it is made up." LADY VIOLET BONHAM (1887-1969) on Stafford Cripps "A sheep in sheep's clothing." WINSTON CHURCHILL on Clement Attlee "He is a self-made man, and worships his creator." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on John Bright "If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune, and if anybody pulled him out that, I suppose, would be a calamity." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on William Ewart Gladstone "He made his conscience not his guide but his accomplice." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on William Ewart Gladstone "He has not a single redeeming defect." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on William Ewart Gladstone. "The Right Honorable Gentleman's smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on Sir Robert Peel "The Right Honourable Gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off occasional signs of warmth." BENJAMIN DISRAELI on Sir Robert Peel "Never make people laugh. If you would succeed in life, you must be solemn, solemn as an ass. All great monuments are built over solemn asses." SENATOR THOMAS CORWIN to President James Garfield 1881 "I think the American public wants a solemn ass as a President. And I think I'l go along with them." CALVIN COOLIDGE. (1872-1933) "To have betrayed two political leaders -- to have wrecked two historic parties -- reveals a depth of infamy never previously reached, compared with which the thugs of India are as faithful friends and Judas Iscariot is entitled to a crown of glory." JOHN BURNS (1858-1943) on Joseph Chamberlain And last but (definitely) not least, something about 'The Boneless Wonder' from our old friend Winston : "I remember, when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum's Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and montrosities; but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as "The Boneless Wonder". My parents judged that the spectacle would be too revolting and demoralizing for my youthful eyes, and I have waited 50 years to see The Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury Bench." WINSTON CHURCHILL on Ramsay Macdonald (thanks to that nice author, Nancy Mcphee!) |