Canonical Shortest Books List

[-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --]

                       The Shortest Books Ever Written,
                          as compiled by John Ruscio

NOTE:  The titles listed below are absolutely 100% factual.  You can look them
       up.  You can read them.  Insist that your local library obtain a copy
       for you.  In fact, not only will I guarantee that all of these books
       exist, but I wrote them all.  Yes, particularly the really offensive
       ones.  So let me know, in as much detail as possible, which ones bother
       you the most, and that way I can test whether it's true that my mail
       handler deletes messages at the same lightning speed regardless of their
       length.

NOTE:  I also would like to point out that each and every one of these hundreds
       of entries is uproariously funny.  This is the case with all Canonical
       lists, not just the one about all the books I have personally written 
       (see above).  If you can find one title on this list that doesn't make
       you laugh yourself into the fetal position, I will offer you a hearty
       handshake, my lifelong indebtedness, a full money-back exchange, and my
       most sincere apologies, many many times over.

NOTE:  To contribute your own selections to this list, please attempt to fit
       them either into the "How To ...", "Complete Guide ..." or other 
       comparably overdone categories, rather than taking valuable nanoseconds
       out of your life to formulate an original phrase.  Nobody likes
       originality these days, especially people on a humor newsgroup, it's
       highly over-rated.  In fact, you can even submit entries like:  "Same
       Old Crap."  Who really cares?

NOTE:  My email address is "RUSCIO@BINAH.CC.BRANDEIS.EDU".  You should get to
       know me, I have a lot of wit and charm, I'm really a treasure to have
       around, and will brighten every one of your days.  Modesty is one of my
       most fascinating and endearing qualities.

                  This version updated last on:  12/8/95
                       Total number of entries:  344

AAA
AA Road Atlas Of Rockall
Acting By The Cast Of Beverly Hills 90210
A Compendium Of Italian Nobel Prize Winners
Advanced Macintosh User's Guide
Advanced Piano, by Richard Clayderman
Advanced Piano, Vol II, by Yanni
Advanced Subtraction.
A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking.
A Foreigner's Guide To Camping In Florida
A Full Description Of All The Whales That Will Survive The Norwegian Massacre
A Guide To Arab Democracies
A Guide To Australian Etiquette
A Guide To Snorkeling In Norway
A Happy Home Life And Marriage, by Donald Trump
A Happy Home Life And Marriage, Part II, by Woody Allen
A Hiker's Guide To The Ho Chi Minh Trail
A History Of The Albanian Space Command
A History Of U.S. Presidents That Made Progress
A Journey Through The Mind Of A Squid.
All-Star Tributes To Regis Philbin.
All The Places You Can Drive To From Hawaii
A Mature Day In My Life, by Barry Bonds
Ambassadors And Diplomatic Employees Posting In Alt.Flame
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
American Foreign Policy Successes
American Friends
Americans Today That Are Brighter Than A Lightbulb
Americans Who Can Tell Sweden From Switzerland
Americans Who Understand The Difference Between Punctuation And Grammar
A Millenium Of German Humor
Anagrams Of The Word "A".
An Anthology Of Coral Reefs Of The Sahara Desert
Anything Written By Patrick Swayze.
Arctic Water Polo.
A Selection Of Funny Jokes From Rec.Humor
A Tale Of No Cities.
Atheists Who Converted To Christianity
A Thesaurus Without Any Synonyms, Or Antonyms.
Austrian Army Warships
Axe Murderers Who Support "Feed The Children".
BBB
Banjo Sonatas.
Beating The Crap Out Of Innocent Little Children, by Benjamin Spock.
Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
Behave Yourself, by David Letterman
Being Humble, The English Way
Blacks I Met While Rowing
Blacks I Met While Yachting
Blind Dates That Worked Out
Bowler's Guide To Health & Fitness.
Burger King Items That Start With "Mc".
CCC
Career Choices For Physics Majors
Career Opportunities For History Majors.
Chicago Cubs World Series Champioships.
Christmas Shopping At The Local Toxic Waste Disposal Site.
Clinton's Unbroken Promises
Compendium Of American Culture
The Complete Guide To Cooking With Spam
Complete List Of American Malls Without A "Gap".
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Competing In The World Series
Countries That Like Americans
Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
Cuban And Puerto Rican Pronunciation Guide
Cub Scout Adventures In Times Square.
DDD
Deep South Genetic Variation.
Deep-Thinking Liberals
Deep Throat For A Two Inch Penis
Dentures For Sharks
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell "Bob".
Diving In The Red Sea
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
Dutch Generosity Through The Centuries
Dwarfs With Champion Big Dicks
EEE
Easy UNIX
Embracing Junk.
Encyclopedia Of The Floridian Brain
Eskimo Swimsuit Models
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance.
Everglades' Guide For Rock Climbing
Everything Men Know About Women
Excellence In The CFL
Exciting Things To Do In Worcester
FFF
Famous Australians Of The Fourteenth Century
Famous Kings Of Swaziland
Famous Long Islanders Who Weren't In Nationally Televised Scandals
Famous Norwegian Kings
Famous Norwegian Sports Heroes
Fan Mail Of Sirhan Sirhan
Fashion Statements Of Alcatrazz Prison
Fast And Efficient Windows Applications
Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
Feminists Worth Marrying
Fifty Days To A Better Hypothalamus.
Fire Escape Routes From The Bottom Of Lake Michigan.
Folk Stories Of The Canadian-Portugese Border Patrol.
French Hospitality
Frog Hygiene.
Fulfilled Campaign Promises, 478 BC - 1993 AD
Fun Party Games Involving Porcupines.
Fun With Blood-Stained Caligraphy.
Fun With Feces
Fun With Sharp, Painful Needles.
Fun With Unix
GGG
Ghandi's Guide To Martial Arts
Gandhi's Influence On Ted Bundy
Gandhi's Influence On Al Bundy
Gay Men Named Spike
Genghis Khan And The Mongols:  A Feminist Perspective
George Bush:  The Wild Years
Good English Cooking
Good Norwegian Jokes
Great American Cars Of The 1980's
Great Australian Beers
Great Blonde Thinkers Through The Ages
Great English Lovers
The Greatest Songs Of Michael Bolton
Great Moments In Scab Football.
HHH
Hearing-Impaired Disc Jockeys.
Hemophilic Vampires
Heroes Of The Australian Resistance During World War II
Heterosexual Hangouts In Key West
Heterosexuality, by The Wedge Rats
Heterosexual Lesbians.
Hilarious Female Comics.
Hindu Beef Recipes
Honesty In The White House:  1969-1974
Household Uses For Plutonium.
How I Became A Stud, by Zamfir.
How Mass Unemployment Helps The Economby, by Various Socialists
How Paperclips Work.
How To Be A Rich Sysop
How To Be A Successful Politician, by Jesse Jackson
How To Blow Your Nose
How To Cook Sushi
How To Keep A Virgin From Following You Around Afterward
How To Make Money In Anthropology
How To Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel.
How To Win Friends When You Still Smell Like Crap.
How To Win Your Life Back With A Nice Big Cheeseburger.
III
Ice Recipes.
In Chase Of The American Dream, by Fidel Castro
Inkless Pens.
Internet Threads That Don't Contain Flames
Italian War Heroes
I Was A Teenage Teenager
JJJ
Japanese Compendium For English Pronunciation
Jewish Business Ethics
Jewish Sports Legends
Jurassic Laundromat.
KKK
Kayak To A Better Beginning.
Keebler Elves That Touch Themselves.
Kelly Chang:  The Chinese Redhead
Known Ways To Cure Cancer With A Toothbrush.
LLL
Life As An Air Traffic Controller, by Ray Charles.
List Of Canadian Men That Have A Penis Longer Than 5 Inches
Little-Known Secrets Of Nuclear Physics, by Jay Leno.
MMM
Madonna On Formal Wear
Mafia Music:  The Symphonies Of Don Vito Corleone
Malcolm X's Guide To Pork Dishes
Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
Marriage Counseling By John Wayne Bobbitt
Men Who Like Circumcision
Mexican Summit:  Legal Aliens In The U.S.
Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
Mike Tyson's Insightful Thoughts.
Mime Talk.
Modesty, The American Way
Modesty, The Argentinian Way
Mormon Alcoholics
Mormon Divorce Lawyers
Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
Mountaineering The Netherlands
Moustache Mania!
My Argument For Democracy, by Ted Kennedy
My Favorite Barbers, by Yassir Arafat
My Favorite Jews, by Yassir Arafat
My Favorite Jewish Barbers, by Yassir Arafat
My Life As A Woman, by Martina Navratilova.
My Life On The Wagon, by Ted Kennedy
My Life Without Bill, by Roger Clinton
My Life Without Michael, by LaToya Jackson
My Life Without My Brother Ron, by Clint Howard
My Life Without My Father, by Ron Reagan
My Life Without Roseanne, by Tom Arnold
My Secrets And Tips To Make Friends, by Darth Vader
My Thoughts, by Ronald Reagan
NNN
National Directory Of Irish AA Members
Net Ethics
NFL's Greatest Thinkers Ever
Nice Guys Who Got To Be President
Nicknames For "Al".
Norwegians Without Herring Breath
Numerical Equivalencies Of 2.
OOO
Obesity In East Africa
Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid.
One Hundred And One Spotted Owl Recipes, by The EPA.
One-Legged Folk Dances.
On Human Rights, by Fidel Castro
Operating Instructions For Scotch Tape.
Oprah Winfrey's Guide To Avoiding Fatty Foods.
Original Japanese Designers
Orville Reddenbacher's Favorite Snack Treats.
Ouchless Spinal Bandages.
Our Favorite Disco Songs, by Led Zeppelin
Our Sex Life Since Gennifer Flowers, by Hillary Clinton
Owner's Manual To An Amish-Built Toaster.
PPP
Painless Tooth Extraction, by Mr. Sledge Hammer
Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
People Who Actually MADE.MONEY.FAST
People Who Saw "Ishtar".
Philanthropy, by Donald Trump
Pi, Rounded For Everyday Use
Pitcairn Island Telephone Book (Including Yellow Pages)
Pittsburgh When It's Not Raining:  A Photographic Collection
Planets That Rhyme With The Word "Planet".
Popular Lawyers
Popular Recording Artists With A Shred Of Artistic Integrity.
Portability Of The C Language
Practical Applications Of The Kamasutra For Non-Contortionists
Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians.
Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain
Purebred Mutts.
QQQ
Quantum Physics For Absolute Morons
RRR
Rapper's Guide To Etiquette.
Really Big Midgets.
Reasons Not To Have Sex
Recent Advances In Flying Submarine Technology.
Red Army Soldiers Who Hadn't Blisters After The Long March
Red Barns That Are Yellow.
Regis-Mania.
Respected Lawyers.
Romanian Square Dances
Romantic Words Beginning With "X".
Roseanne Arnold's Guide To Weight Loss
Ross Perot's Ear Improvement Manual.
Rottweilers Who Speak Italian.
Russian Humor Throughout The 1960's
SSS
Safe Driving In France
Sainthood In Government
Satan's Love Letters.
Scottish World Cup Successes
Sign Language For The Blind
Sites In Rhode Island That Are More Than An Hour Apart
Smelly Planets.
Snap, Crackle, Pop:  A Beginner's Guide To Knuckle Popping
Snap, Crackle, Pop:  A Beginner's Guide To Rice Crispies.
Social Occasions Requiring Hip Waders.
Soothing Nervous Polar Bears With Tickling Tricks.
Speling By Dan Quayle
Staple Your Way To Success.
Straight Hairdressers
Sub Aqua Thunder Storms
Subatomic Particles In The Bathtub
Subatomic Particles That Taste Like Licorice.
Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
Successful Experiments In Cohabitation With Piranhas.
Successful Trekkies.
Surgeon General's Warning:  This Is Not A Book.
Swedish War Heroes
Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips.
TTT
Tasty Bile Recipes.
Tasty Sediment.
Ted Koppel's All-Time Greatest On-The-Air Booger Jokes.
The ABC's Of Gum Chewing.
The American Book Of Beautiful Cars
The American Medical Association's Guide To Proper Penmanship.
The Amish Phone Book
The Appeal Of Alan Thicke
The Beginner's Guide To Having Your Leg Fall Asleep.
The Best Things About America
The Book With No Title
The Canonical List Of Rap Songs With Positive Messages
The Comic Genius Of Tom Arnold
The Compleat Chevy Chase Show
The Complete Collection Of Harlem Poetry.
The Complete Guide To Composing And Playing Progressive Rap Music
The Complete Guide To Honest Lawyers
The Complete Guide To Honest Politicians
The Complete List of Speed Limit Followers
The Contribution Of Political Correctness To Free Speech
The Deep, Philosophical Implications Of Turning Left.
The Educational Guide To MTV
The Elephant Is A Graceful Bird, It Flits From Tree To Tree
The Expert's Guide To Windows NT
The Fat, Lard, And Oil Diet.
The Genius Of Barry Manilow
The Gentle Side Of Joseph Stalin
The Happy Hooker Goes To Our Lady Of Sorrows Convent
The History Of DARE In Bogota, Colombia
The History Of The ANOVA In Chinese Literature
The Irish In Israel:  A Retrospective
The KKK Manual Of Tact And Etiquette.
The Merits Of Gun Control, by the NRA
The Modern Misoneist
The Mormon Guide To Alternative Sex
The Outstanding Virtues Of Intel Processors
The Plan For Prohibition In Australia
The Pleasant Street Smells Of New York City.
The Pope's Wife, A Very Nice Nancy
The Rainy Day Book Of Flicking Dimes.
The Registry Of Motor Vehicles' Pledge Of Cheerfulness.
There's One Born Every Minute (200 blank pages)
Thesaurus Of Square Roots
The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole, Age 3/4
The Shaker Village Electrical Engineering Lexicon.
The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzeneggar
The Warrent Commission's Search For Truth
The Who's Who Of Great Republican Humanitarians
The Wit And Wisdom Of Dan Quayle
Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple.
Things That Taste Better With Arsenic.
Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival.
Thinking American
To Tell The Truth, by President Bill Clinton
UUU
Understanding Moss.
Understanding The C Language
Unshakeable Principles I Live By, by Bill Clinton
User Friendly UNIX
VVV
Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas.
Volume One Of Madonna's Morality Encyclopedia.
Vomit, Vomit, Vomit
WWW
Waterskiing In The Bermuda Triangle
Ways To Cross The "T".
Ways To Give Change For A Penny.
Wealthy Bums.
Well-Fucked Virgins
Whales With An IQ>5
What To Do With Finger Paints.
Windows Programming Made Easy
Winning The Big One, by Gene Mauch
Wit And Wisdom Of Benny Hill
What Men Know About Women
Why I Love Britain:  A Native's Perspective
Why People Are More Important Than Animals, by Greenpeace
Why Political Correctness Is Not Censorship
Women Named "Fred".
World Leaders Born In Omaha
Wrath Of The Ant Colony.
YYY
Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation.
123
0 Uses Of A Dead Cat
20,000 Leagues Under Molten Lava.
30,000 Volts Of Electricity As A Means Of Hair Curling

[-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --]