other differences between the genders
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- He refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken Phone Call." 99% of all men have placed at least one such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex: Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. Bathrooms: A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was Adam. Offspring: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secretdreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Dressing up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals. David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical. Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniture TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate. Nicknames: With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless. Mustaches: Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.