Bart Simpson's Blackboard Quotations
List of Bart Simpson's Blackboard Quotations
Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the episode was
shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is
listed where it was "original" and the USA one was repeated.
Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any
punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes
Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown. If an
episode is not listed, either it did not have a blackboard quote
the first time it was shown, or it used a repeated opening
"x" after an episode number indicates it took place during the episode
"*" indicates a note:
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
7F03x I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a play thing
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01* It's potato, not potatoe (This was used for the second airing, a
reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08* I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy
Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10* I will not sell school property (Also used in 7F14 - the only
episode so far to use a "repeated" blackboard opening in its
first showing)
7F11* I will not cut corners (It actually looks like this:
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " ")
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatulent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21* I will not show off (This was written in an "Olde English"-style
font)
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04* I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while writing
this)
8F05* I will finish what I star (This appears on one line; the rest is
blank)
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F14 I will not spank others
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick (Lisa has a blackboard punishment
of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers)
8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01* I will not defame New Orleans (New Orleans complained about the
opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
9F03* I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge wrote "I
will try to raise a better child")
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09* Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible;
the last line is a scrawl)
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21* I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after 1992-93
Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was
eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the
show has won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (This was not written
"line by line" like the others)
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (A reference to "The
Fugitive")
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F14 I am not deliciously saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first used
for the 100th new episode)
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major
League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
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