Women Jokes

Women

1. Why do women close their eyes during sex?	They can’t stand to see a
man having a good time.
2. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
	Money.
3. What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian?	
Bitch.
4. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a water
hose?	Darling.
5. Why do women skydivers wear tampons?	So they don’t whistle on the way
down.
6. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?	She looks down her dress
and the only bumps she sees are knees.
7. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal
sex?	It’s warmer, it’s tighter, and it’s degrading to the woman.
8. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?		They both
feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
9. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
10. What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?	“Is it in?”
11. What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth????
Albert Einstein’s dick.
12. Why do women have periods?		Because they deserve them.
13. Why did God make man first?	He didn’t want to have a woman looking
over his shoulder.
14. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr’s husband have in common?
They both enjoy fucking pigs.
15. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?	A woman.
16. What is the definition of a menstrual period?	A bloody waste of
fucking time.
17. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?	Made her chain to long.
18. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?	Lifting his legs
while you vacuum.
19. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?	(Scream) 
IT JUST DOES!!
20. Why was the woman crossing the road?		Who cares?  What
the fuck’s the bitch doing out of the kitchen?
21. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?	She hikes up her
skirt every time someone yawns.
22. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass?	You have to take a mule to
get to the bottom of her crack.
23. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
24. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 	None, they
just sit there in the dark and bitch.
25. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?	Because a
woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never 	
						be able to support you.
 
26. How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks?		A fly
lands on it and throws up.
27. What’s love?		The delusion that one woman is different
from another.
28. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?	Slow down.
 And possibly use a lubricant.
29. What do you do when the dishwasher won’t work?	Kick her in the
ass.
30. Did you hear about Delta Burke’s tragic suicide attempt?	She tried
to harpoon herself.
31. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried
Chicken?		Two small breasts and a bruised thigh.
32. How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested?	She needs
suspenders to hold up her bra.
33. What do you call a 300 pound woman?	Fat.
34. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?	Because
what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.	
35. What do the TV shows ‘Green Acres’ and ‘Roseanne’ have in common?	A
pig named Arnold.
36. What is Roseanne Barr’s favorite sex toy?	Ben - Wa basketballs.
37. How can you tell a woman is really trashy?	She brings a date to her
wedding.
38. How can you tell a woman is really ugly?	A cannibal takes one look
at her and orders a salad.
39. How can you tell your wife is really gross?	One day she doesn’t wear
under wear and the dog pukes.
40. How do you know a woman is to fat?	Young lovers try to carve their
initials into her leg.
41. How can you tell if a woman’s cooking is really lousy?	Natives
from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
42. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
That’s what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
43. Why do women have two holes?	So when they get drunk you can
carry them like a six-pack.
44. How are clams like women?	When the red tide comes you don’t eat
them.
45. What is the difference between your wife and your job?	After five
years your job will still suck.
46. Why do women have belly buttons?	To hold your gum on the way down.
47. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
48. Why is a fat woman like a moped?	They’re both fun to ride, but you
wouldn’t want you r friends to see you on either one.
49. Why can’t you trust women?	How can you trust something that can bleed
for five days and not die?
50. What is the best thing about a blowjob?		Ten minutes of
silence.
51. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?	Her ankles swell
up when she farts.
52. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don’t have balls to scratch.
53. What do women and Jell-O have in common?	They both wiggle when you
eat them.
54. What’s the difference between a women’s track team and a tribe of
pygmies?	The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
55. What’s the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?	Mikey! - He’ll eat
anything.
56. What is the definition of a woman?	A life support system for a pussy.
57. Why do women have legs?	So they won’t leave snail tracks.
58. Why do women have arms?	Have you any idea how long it would take
to LICK a bathroom clean?
59. What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?	Her legs.
60. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?	It’s
called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
61. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.